Why I never want a job!

Why I’ll Never Have a Job

Filed under: Life / Location Independent Working / Philosophy / Thoughts By:

Everett Bogue at Far Beyond the Stars recently wrote an article entitled, “How to run forever and never” which made me reflect on my own life. What am I running from? Why do I want to travel the world? Am I crazy?

Back in 2003 when I was just weeks away from graduating from the Art Institute of Dallas I met a guy named David. He worked at one of the top advertising agencies in Dallas and was helping me figure out my careers direction. I was confused. At the time I had my eyes set on a firm in California that worked on action sports brands. Right up my alley. One day, David invited me to come to his office.

To be honest, I don’t remember much about what David said his firm did. All I remember is the picture he painted for me. He started the tour by walking me around the office and showing me around, just like any other tour. Then David went off on a tangent, he began telling me what the first 5-years of my career was going to look like if I wanted to make it big (which I did). Since I would be new to the advertising world I’d have to make a name for myself first. David explained that during that ladder climbing I’d be forced to (this is a true story):

  1. Fetch coffee and run errands for the rest of the staff.
  2. Be forced to do the work that everybody else didn’t want to do.
  3. Always, be the last one to leave the office.
  4. Always, be responsible for staying up and getting the job done for the client, while everyone else got to go home for the evenings or weekends.
  5. Sleep under my desk because I’d be working so much I didn’t have time to go home.
  6. Give up on having any sort of a life, and that meant giving up motocross (which he specifically mentioned).

Wait, What? Seriously? You want me to give up my dream of racing women’s motocross professionally? I have to do that in order to succeed here? That’s ridiculous.

Living my motocross dream back in 2002 before my car accident

I remember staring under David’s desk while he was sharing his story. Staring at the space under his desk where he’s spent countless nights working until the wee hours of the night… It didn’t sound fun in the slightest bit. Is this what growing up and being responsible is like? Boring. What kind of life is that?

At the time I was an upcoming women’s motocross racer with plenty of sponsors under my belt. I wasn’t ready to let that dream go for cubical nation. I didn’t realize the life that would be sucked out of me in order to have a job. A job that wanted me to give up my dreams on top of that. I was disgusted. It was a huge wake-up call for me. Is this what life is? Is that all you got?

My dad always taught me to work hard and save, save, save for retirement. Then, only when retirement came, could I do as I pleased. Well, no. That’s not actually true. If I wait until retirement, I’d be 75-years old, and there’s no way I could become a rockstar motocross rider at that age. I’d have to do it now if that’s what I really wanted.

The idea or thought of waking up in 50 –years and regretting not going for it, scared me shitless.

Why did society want me to give it up?  Why do I have to let go of my dreams? Why do I need all this stuff? That’s when it hit me. I don’t have to and I don’t need it.

But what else is there?

It didn’t take me long to decide that I never wanted to have a job. David’s story is what motivated me to become an entrepreneur. If that’s not enough for you, here are 21 more reasons to start your own business.  At the time I thought it would be a crazy decision to make.  I had been trained since the day I was born that I needed to go to college, get a job, buy a house, and fill it with a bunch of crap. Then when I achieved that I could have 2.5 kids, a dog, and a picket fence.

Let’s face it, I am running away from suburbia. There I said it. I’m now selling everything I own to travel the world indefinitely. I couldn’t be happier! Is that your dream too? Then start taking action!

I grew-up in suburbia. In my opinion, it’s the worst place to grow up, ever. It’s lifeless. It’s full of people who sold their dreams for stuff. Go ahead, hate me for saying it, but it’s true. All of them are held hostage by the American Dream. Sleepwalkers. They’re the ones that are going to wake up in 50-years living with regret and wonder why they made the choices they did.

Fact of the matter is, we all have a choice. I didn’t want to give up motocross, so I made the decision not to. I followed my dream. I started my own business to sustain that decision. Even though a bad car accident took motocross away from me… I’m still following my heart. I want to be known as someone who went out and lived for the adventure of life.

I don’t want to ever sleepwalk through life, and if you’re reading this, I hope you don’t either. So wake up. Be known as the person who went out and did what they said they were going to do, while everyone else complains about it. Start running away. Just like I did.

My big reason for never having a job? Freedom.

Live a better life. Start your own business and design the life you want.

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Tags: / / November 29, 2010

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  • http://www.travel-for-love.com Laura

    Very powerful post, Jenny! One of the biggest problems I have with my corporate engineering job is that most of my peers (competition) are willing to give up so much of their lives for their careers. In fact, the time is now upon us where most of my department “sells” back their vacation days because they were unable to use them all during the year. Then there’s me, who ran out of vacation during the summer and even took days off unpaid to travel whenever I could… I just can’t succeed in an environment where the group’s priorities are so drastically different from mine. At least you had the sense to avoid that environment – it’s easier than trying to get out of it. :)

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Laura, I don’t understand why people want to give up most of their lives for a job. I too, have friends who won’t use their vacation in fear of losing their job. I think it’s because we feel that’s our only choice. I know that’s how I felt. If I didn’t hear about a few key people doing things differently, I would have never had that light bulb go off to start my own business.

      There are lots of ways out. Open your eyes and observe, you’ll see. :)

  • http://twitter.com/alidark3000 Ali Starbright

    Love this Jenny. I’m new to your blog but have been loving your attitude – hope some rubs off. Nothing much else to say except that there are more like you who will appreciate you sharing this motivator to follow dreams despite fear and uncertainty.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Thanks Ali!!! Let me know if I can help you on your journey!

  • Leah G Fulford

    As a new worker one-year-in to my full time job, I can verify that yes, those are definitely the things you must do to make it ahead, and I’m pretty sure I don’t ever want to do that.

    My detest of my job led me to your site, and I’m dreaming every day of what kinds of things I can do to get myself out of this rut before it sucks me in indefinitely! Your inspiration helps :)

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Leah, Glad my site helps you. There are a ton of ways to get out of what you’re doing. I admit that it’s slightly easier for me because I have a skill-set that allows me to make money on the computer (graphic design)… but there are a lot of other ways as well. See if any of your skill-sets can transfer over. :)

  • http://www.surroundedbythesound.com Amy

    Definitely food for thought here. I love this: “Be known as the person who went out and did what they said they were going to do, while everyone else complains about it.” Some may say your feelings about people who chose to live in suburbia are harsh, but I suppose it is one thing to chose to live there and like it and another thing to live there and complain about it all the time. I’m a big complainer, so I surprised myself when I finally quit my job and set off to travel for a year. People have called me a hero. Really, it is just priorities and courage to do something about your unhappiness.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Yeah. I know my words are harsh, but it’s me and how I feel. That kind of life is right for some people and they are happy there. I’m mainly targeting those that aren’t happy and want something different.

      So happy that you quit your job to travel the world. A decision that prolly changed your life, I’m sure. It is a change of priorities, set your mind to it and you can do anything. :)

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  • http://www.dayswithmydaughter.com Renee in BC

    “I grew-up in suburbia. In my opinion, it’s the worst place to grow up, ever. It’s lifeless. ” – Agreed. This was my experience.

    My husband and I are hitting the road with our daughter next year. It will involve sacrifice, because we’re not wealthy by any stretch, but this is just too important not to do. We’re determined to rescue our girl…and ourselves….from the cold and unsatisfying North American culture. As the saying goes, we’ve decided to stop dreaming and start packing.

    Adventure (and destitution?) here we come.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Renee, As I explained in my e-mail to you, I’m soooooo excited to hear that you are hitting the road with your daughter. It will be an unforgettable experience and you will form a bond with her that will last a lifetime. Enjoy the ride. :)

  • http://www.MyBeautifulAdventures.com/ GlobalButterfly

    Looooove this post!!! I agree, WAKE UP! I could never work for someone. Thank goodness I found a career that I love and one in which I get to be my own boss. Awesome pic of you!

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Thanks Andi! Glad that you are living your dream life. :)

  • http://twitter.com/BeersandBeans BeersAndBeans

    Oh it is so true. I used to work 12 hr days in the really stressful field of Real Estate. Part of it is my own problem since I am a bit of a workaholic and i have some masochistic urge to push myself too far but there is only so long you can do it. at 31, i was diagnosed w/ cancer and knew it was stress related. After life sucking for a while that really gave me the strength to change my life, stop making up excuses, start my own business, travel and live the life I want. It hasn’t always been easy but it has def. been worth it. I am happier now than I have been in a long time. What I have learned though is that it is hard to buck the system, once you are in it. I think honestly that is what prevents a lot of people from making a drastic change. It’s tough. The U.S. is not set up for small businesses (even though they act like it) and people are conditioned to the 9-5, work hard for someone else, retire & then hang out. That is of course assuming you didn’t lose all your money in the market, etc. Those are the people I really feel bad for- that is crushing. But it’s just another reason why it’s so important to live your life the way you want from the beginning. Good for you that you were smart enough to never get caught up in it in the beginning. When I was younger I was a really good employee, then when I realized what bullsh*t the whole scheme was it became really hard to go to work every day. I could only blanket my feelings by reading other peoples travel blogs!

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Wow. I didn’t know that about you. Glad that you survived and were able to use a negative event to turn it into something positive. I had my own issues, but I’m happier now too than I have been before. I’m on the right path. Only wish I would have started sooner.

      • http://twitter.com/BeersandBeans BeersAndBeans

        Yeah, I think everyone wishes they started sooner, with whatever it is. I kind of lived for a bit w/ that regret but now I’m over it. You can’t really change the past or why we made the decisions we made then but at least now we are happier!

    • Anonymous

      “When I was younger I was a really good employee, then when I realized what bullsh*t the whole scheme was it became really hard to go to work every day.”

      I have a blog post coming called “why I’m a bad employee”, about how growing up with entrepreneurs made me very aware of the “bullshit business scheme” from the very beginning, and how it has made me virtually unemployable in today’s workplace. Glad to see someone else who gets it!

      • http://twitter.com/BeersandBeans BeersAndBeans

        haha… yes, i grew up in a self employed household as well and we traveled a lot, did what we wanted. I remember my first real photo job out of college when i realized I would have to actually take days off if I wanted to visit my family for christmas because of the way it fell that year we would only get the one day. I was shocked. I also remembered having to ask for time off to see a dentist and I couldn’t get over how absurd I thought that was. I actually was pissed off about it – looking back now it’s so naive, it’s cute. Having 2 parents who work for themselves and do as they like really skews your vision about time off, etc. It made my years of working for other people difficult because I was always annoyed at policy. But it gave me a strong sense of independence and another good thing I guess is that it makes you a really hard worker because you see how hard your parents worked. I always worked hard for other people, I just hated it. Can’t wait to read your post!

        • Anonymous

          Exactly. I can’t believe the things that employees are expected to take vacation days for – medical visits, illness, etc. Taking days off for the holidays was a rude awakening as well – I can’t believe that most places actually expect people to work the day before or after Christmas! It’s absurd.

          Unfortunately, I can’t really say that it made me a hard worker. Sure, I’m a hard worker for my freelance clients, but it’s work that I enjoy. I’ve never been a hard worker whenever I’ve worked for someone else – I tend to do as little as possible as slowly as possible.

  • http://waywardtraveller.com/ Annie

    Great advice! I’m making my boyfriend read this post right now as he was just telling me that his dad and him need to talk about travel vs. work because we are semi-preparing to leave again to travel and he was saying that if he stays in his job he’ll eventually own the business (it’s his parents) which is profitable but it’s not his dream (he loves music). I can never quite get the point across to him so I hope you can!

    For me it was when I came back from Australia and saw my best friend (at the time) working 12 hours the month she graduated and making snide comments to me about how she also “wished she could spend her life traveling” when I mentioned that as my dream. I knew that if I just entered the rat race right away I’d be saying that one day too, so instead I took off for Italy. Of course, I never have money but I have great, like-minded friends and big dreams so I don’t need much else for now! Besides the job market sucks and there is no security left in it!

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Annie, I hope it works! Nobody cares about you more than yourself… so you gotta do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. Maybe you won’t have all the money in the world, but you’ll be rich with experiences.

      • http://whatsdavedoing.com Dave

        Couldn’t agree more with this post and the sentiments in the comments. I had to chuckle at your line that “Nobody cares about you more than yourself” – I finished off a similar post to this one about following your dreams with almost exactly the same line. I think there’s a lot of us wanderers who feel the same way – disillusioned with suburbia and corporate hell that sucks the life out of you, we know there’s a better way.

        All power to you for making it happen!

  • http://twitter.com/Travelated Emily Sims

    Very strong post, Jenny, and so very true. I grew up the same way, and I had to get out. People think we’re crazy for not wanting an SUV and a walk-in closet, and we think they’re crazy for convincing themselves they want it.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Exactly! haha.

  • Anonymous

    Love it, “sleepwalk through life”. unfortunately I’ve done that too much… not any more.

    Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have a job, I don’t see it that way. My current mission is to change that.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      At least you woke up… Imagine how people feel when they “wake-up” on their deathbeds and realized they never did anything they wanted to and sold their life away?

  • http://twitter.com/flipnomad flipnomad

    exactly what im thinking right now (actually, i’ve been thinking afetr my 6 months backpacking trip last year)… i cant imagine myself working again although i fear that i might have to do that just to address my immediate needs… hopefully i could be as free as you after a few months… or worst… years… trying to be optimistic though…

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Set a goal. Then work towards it. You’ll be surprised at how far you get with a decision to do something. If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will lead you there.

  • http://www.breakawaybackpacker.com Jaime

    Great post, Jenny!!! I think with this post you capture how a lot of feel about these things. I am working hard to be able to breakaway in 8 months!

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      8-Months Dude!!!! Time is flying by!

  • http://castlesintheair.org Nina Yau

    Jenny, you are such a bad ass. Love it!!! Way to be daring and boldly live your life the way you see fit!!

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      el oh el! Thanks!

  • http://facebook.com/maggiejaymodeling Maggie

    Haha, I feel the same way about suburbia….

    I felt compelled to say I agree, mostly because I’m surrounded by people who have sold their souls for things that don’t mean much to anyone. But that’s how military families are — mostly soul-less and complain about opportunities few others get. If there was ever one thing, it’s that I will never be like them.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      I think that is what I realized early on. There were a few people close to me, that I vowed to never be like. Once I make a promise to myself, I keep it. Never broken one! When I feel like I’m not going to be able to make it, I start to get really depressed, that depression motivates me to get it done. I hope that you can keep your promise to yourself!

  • http://www.journeyofatravelwriter.com Adam

    Great post, Jenny. My wife and I both quit our jobs to travel for a year, and it was amazing, life changing, and everything I thought it would be, and then some. But now we’re back and have been for over a year. My wife is firmly back in her career as an attorney (which she’s not a big fan of), while I am trying my hand at a new career, travel writing. We’re both trying to figure out the next step. I’ve quickly figured that it’s going to be really difficult to make a real living as a travel writer, and we’re going to run out of time sooner rather than later as to how long we can survive on one salary.

    We know we want something different. We know we want to travel more than the two weeks most Americans get. We also know that we have no interest in becoming full time vagabonders. Now we don’t need a massive house and fancy cars and lots of stuff. But we do like having a place to call home, and we love where we live. Even after making the decision to get up and go, now it seems like we’re even more confused than we were before we ever talked about going on a long trip.

    We’re lucky enough to not be bogged down by too much debt (except student loans), and we don’t have too much tying us down, but figuring out what to do next has been troublesome since our return. Kudos to you for living your dream and figuring it out when you were so young. The American rat race is awful, and I really feel for people who get caught up in it and hate it.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      I know that this is the life for me after taking several long-term trips… however, I can see how it isn’t for anyone. Instead of focusing on travel-writing, maybe you could look at building a business around your travel writing. It’s a slight shift in focus, but could mean the difference between making a living or not making one. There are a few blogs that do quite well with their blog businesses. Also, your wife could look at how she could make a business around her abilities as a lawyer online remotely for clients, rather than work for someone. Just a thought.

      • http://www.journeyofatravelwriter.com Adam

        Thanks for responding Jenny. We are constantly brainstorming ways to live a different life, to find new careers that will afford us the time, independence, and of course money, to travel more than one or two weeks a year. We have many ideas, and luckily for us we have a minimal amount of debt tying us down. No mortgage, one car paid off, one near paid off, and not a lot of stuff. We pared down a lot before our RTW, and we love living a more minimalist lifestyle. It’s only a matter of time before we come up with something. Thanks for the kind words and support, and good luck on your future endeavors!!

  • http://twitter.com/CailinONeil Cailin O’Neil

    Awesome post! Also so great that the car accident didn’t stop you and you have just kept on going! Good luck! :)

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      Thanks. The car accident made life more difficult, but I guess that’s part of the challenge.

  • http://twitter.com/TheSoulReporter Nikki Di Virgilio

    LOVE THIS! I just quit my job, and I have absolutely no regrets, even with no income coming in. I always knew I never wanted a J O B, but didn’t have the nerve to be me. It took moving to California from Minnesota to know I can leave anything behind and start over. And I love what you say about Suburbia. I had all of that, and felt like I was dying. I am writing a memoir of this time in my life- it’s part of my big dream I am going for. Thanks for being and doing you.

    • http://www.whereisjenny.com Jenny

      I think we’re a lot alike. Would rather be poor and full of experiences, than rich and full of stuff. Keep me updated, would love to read your memoir.

  • http://www.footprintsofabackpacker.com/blog Sarah

    Love this article! I particularly love your courage in stating, without any apologies, that you don’t want to have a job! You’re bucking a social trend dating back almost to the beginnings of civilisation and it makes people uncomfortable. I’ve felt exactly the same way for as long as I can remember and just about all of the decicsions I make in my adult life are geared towards moving me away from the ‘norm’. I used to worry that the feeling of ‘I don’t want to have a job’ is tied into some not-quite-shaken-off teenage laziness. But then I figured it out. The important part of the sentence is what you mean by ‘job’. The word ‘job’ is associated with ‘boredom’, ‘monotony’, ‘hard’ and ‘unrewarding’. As you’ve found, it’s still possible to make enough money to survive (comfortably, even) without subjecting ourselves to the accepted definition. I’m excited to be working out a path for me that also bucks the trend and it’s great to be reading your inspiring posts along the way. Thanks!

  • Justin Guzman

    Selling your soul for stuff. Wow in reflecting what I just did last weekend shopping for christmas im stunned i fell into the same trap as everyone else. I have been reducing and decluttering for a while now and all this scrimping and saving built me a very nice savings account. Which i proptly used to take full advantage of Black Friday sales. UGGGH. I guess I would just caution some readers of this trap. When you start to reduce your lifestyle overhead you may end up with a bunch of cash in which companies are still paying billions of dollars to figure out how to separate it from you. Dont fall prey like me =( be vigilant.

  • Anonymous

    I grew up with two “alternatively employed” parents. My mother was a self-employed freelance photographer and my dad was a graphic designer at a small firm that was very flexible about allowing him to work from home, take random days off and long vacations, etc. I grew up in a very different environment from that of virtually anyone else that I know, and it really influenced the way I look at work and jobs and careers. I’ve never understood the appeal of working for 5 years in shitty conditions just so you can have another 5 years of mediocre conditions and then 5 years of good ones. I’ve never understood why people take jobs that require them to give up huge chunks of their lives (like you and your motocross) or jobs that keep them from doing the things they enjoy.

    I’ve always told people that if they have to change themselves drastically to fit a job, it’s the wrong job for them. Sure, some accommodations may need to be made to take on a temporary job, but I would never change myself or my life to fit a more “career-oriented” job. I think that most people are so afraid of not making enough money that they don’t ever realize that money isn’t really a source of happiness in the first place!

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  • http://twitter.com/morvern_c 艾丽卡

    I admire everyone who has the courage and self-confidence to strike out on their own at a very young age. When I was a teen and in my 20′s I just drifted through life, college, and bad jobs knowing I was unhappy but unaware of a better solution. At 32 I feel like I’ve only just now woken up to what I want to do, but how do you begin when you’ve got $8K in credit card bills, $45K in student loans and are utterly unemployable? Do you take the plunge with a business idea or work jobs you hate to pay off debts? I am truly lost. Wish someone would comment on how to begin a business when you’re dealing with debt. Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      Work abroad where you can take advantage of a lower cost of living. There are many jobs abroad that will pay you enough to still pay your CC bills back home while also giving you a higher standard of living in your chosen country.

  • http://backpackpluslaptop.com Shane Rasnak

    Yes! Awesome to read this, I’m going through the same thing you were back then–I just graduated from college and have no intention of spending the rest of my life working for a lifestyle I don’t want any part of. It’s such a strange feeling watching my old friends spending all of their time in jobs they hate, then spending all their hard-earned money on stuff they’ll forget about a week later. I’m so grateful people like you have helped me motivate myself to get started now, rather than later.

  • Erin

    Wow! This is the first post I’ve read on your blog and its absolutely fantastic! Great job :)

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  • http://eatlaughloveanon.com/ Eatlaughloveanon

    I was one of those sleepwalkers who did the hard yards. I try not to have regrets in life but I am slightly miffed I woke up so late.
    However, I’m debt free and living a pretty minimalist life and my lovely husband has agreed to set off on a slow RTW trip in May 2012.
    I used to be terrified by the prospect of freelancing or running a business. Now it seems like the only way to find the work-life balance that everyone talks about. So over the next year I’ll be developing some way to finance our little family’s long and slow vacation.

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  • http://www.mastrangelolawoffices.com/accident-lawyer-oakland.htm Liesel Basil

    Wow. I love how you took courage on going after your dreams. That’s really cool and it sounds exciting. With so many options today, and the increasing of businesses, there are still chances for everyone to start over. Don’t you think? Oh, by the way, what happened when you had your car accident?

  • Rattlayitdown

    I’m 35 and have been a hard-worker all my life. I work full time stocking shelves at a grocery store (3rd shift). I’ve been there almost 15 yrs. now. I’ve also been working for the U.S. Air Force Reserves for the past 8 yrs. I joined to pay for college. I recently graduated w/ an A.S. in biotechnology and will finish another A.S. in Criminal Justice this summer. I’ve found out that all my hard work seems to be for nothing. I can’t find any jobs related to my degree; all the businesses want a B.S. degree or Master’s and still won’t pay much. They expect you to have a few yrs. experience on top of that. So, it seems I’ll still be working at a grocery store until “the economy gets better”. Recently, I was so bummed out and depressed about this that I took a last minute vacation to Clearwater, FL. I was totally in love with the area. I had never been there before, my brother recommended it. Ever since I got back, I’ve been thinking about selling my house and everything in it and moving to FL with nothing but my truck, my cats, and whatever I can haul in the back. I did a search and came across your blog. I was wondering how, once you take off and leave everything, you make ends meet “over there”. I don’t have an online job, not sure what kind of business I could run on the computer. I’ve always wanted to travel; thought the AF would help w/ that but I haven’t seen much other than other AF bases, Iraq, and one cool trip to England. I loved it there. I really want to see Australia, Italy, and Ireland. I definitely don’t want to wait until I retire, because I don’t think that will ever happen, and I don’t want to be falling apart when I get there. I’m close to paying off my house, and houses aren’t selling right now. I’ve lived in Indiana all my life and it’s killing me. I’ve just had this feeling for a while now that I want to run and break free. Any advice would be appreciated. I don’t think I can give up my cats; they are pretty much my only friends, I’m a bit of a loner. I realize that would get in the way of traveling. When I was in Iraq, I missed my cat (I had 1 then) like crazy. It was the only thing I couldn’t get used to.

  • Ford Shortland

    G’day Jenny! Glad I found your post! I am planning my first attempt to break away! Leaving Australia for the UK in January… whilst I will be living and working in the UK, I’ll be traveling through greater Europe on weekends and planning the next 5 years that I plan to spend through various parts of Europe/Asia etc. I just wondered, did you have much support from family/friends?? I’m having trouble getting family on board… they dislike it because I finally have a “good” job, with potential to settle down and maybe have a family etc. They don’t seem to get that NONE of that is appealing to me.. sure, I like technology… but working with it is driving me insane!!! I wanna get out and see the world, meet the people, etc. I don’t care about fancy accomodation or vehicles or any of that. It’s just hard for me not having much support.